perseverance pays

sadness breeds sadness..so they say..i'm doomed with eternal pain and sufferings..or so i think..on the matters of love..i've never quite succeeded and understood..what seemed like an elixir of eternal happiness vanished as i encroach it..like a mirage in the heat of the desert..only worse..it seemed so near..yet so far..i guess i'll never know whether i can continue to shoulder this burden of hope..

time is running out..what was a feast of fire has now dwindled to a flicker of light..a mere shadow of its former glory..i've given my all..trust me i have..what is left of me is just a carcass..soul-less..hopeless..worthless..

they say perseverance pays..but at what expense? what was a cheeky infatuation soon became a true passion..not out of desperation but pure affection..perhaps even an obsession..

time is running out..our paths seemed so clear..at one point i was so sure..only to have my hopes robbed from me..again and again..i feel used..i am confused..left in the dark..in the depths of despair..

they say perseverance pays..but how long till i loose my sense? what was a mere 'hello, how are you?' turned to OMG, i think i might like you..what happened along the way, only God has a say..its almost a destiny..but it now seems like a fallacy..

time is running out..i'm fighting against time..but how do i fight and win this battle? am I to bend time, to time-travel? if i could, surely i would..let time be a testament..of my true predicament..for i know i shall be triumphant..had i been the precedent..but what am i to say, i am but an antecedent..

they say perseverance pays..i have no choice but to concur..innately i still believe..that once and for all i can achieve..but patient i shall be..in this conquest, this glorified story..where a man cautiously awaits..with his heart under the blades..

time is running out..as a matter of fact i know..but then again time and tide will tell..if only i could cast a spell..but fight i shall and a victor i will be..

my other friend called Lutiri

I've got a friend called Lutiri. He's got a twin brother called Lutanan. We are the best of friends. We are so closely knit that I can't help but feel that we share the same blood. We did what all active males did. We walked, ran, cycled and even played sports together. Over the years, we have developed a certain degree of teamwork that prevented neither of us from ever being imbalanced. Many a times when Lutanan had too much burden to carry, Lutiri would always be there to support and vice versa. However recently while playing a competitive handball game, Lutiri suffered an immensely painful injury while trying to shoulder our combined weight. He was a tough soldier, but a stupid one nonetheless, as he thought that he was as strong than an ant. Having said that though, I admire his bravery and gallantry. He is now in rehab at the moment and only time will tell and dictate his future..I pray for his steadfast recovery..Some might ask, what a strange name for parents to give their twin children. Truth is their real names are Lutut Kiri and Lutut Kanan..

a friend called Damus - a true reflection

I have a friend. His name is Damus Mehdyma. As children, we grew up together in the slumps of Lark Luau Ump. He was as much of a brother to me as he was as a friend. The bond that we shared was special so much so that wherever I would go, he'd go and vice versa. At times when I was travelling alone, people would joke and ask me where my other half was. We were brothers-in-arms and partners in crime. Clearly the hardship we faced there made us to grow to become sturdy adults, equipped with the bare essentials to survive the ever challenging world that lies ahead of us. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So was the case for me and my friend Damus.

But over the years, we grew and parted ways, differing in our methodologies and goals in life. The bond that we had shared entered a new turbulent era that was rocky even at the best of times. While I remained the humble, mediocre, and nonchalant person that I was, Damus matured into a flamboyant, metro-sexual and hedonistic individual. The fact that he was good-looking, charming and eloquent with his words made him irresistible to many of our female counterparts. Initially I was unperturbed by this new character that Damus developed, but as days became months, and months became years, i slowly assumed the role of an outcast and could feel the gaping hole he has left in my life. The brother and close friend that I once had was consumed by his worldly acts and wills. So much so that he had no room to fit my mediocrity in his life. Over the years, I have adjusted to this role of an outsider, albeit not being as close as before, I still kept my vigilant eyes over his shoulders.

Over this period of time, he has grown to be adored by many girls, partly due to his good-looks, but mostly his charm and seductiveness. Flings and casual relationships with girls was his specialty and what troubled me the most was the rate of which he hopped from one 'pseudo-relationship' to another. It was almost like he was obsessed with the idea of being Giacomo Casanova, albeit a more vibrant and modern one. It was with this behaviour that he devastated the hopes of many girls especially with his broken promises of loyalty and devotion. To him however, this was just another game of which he has grown accustomed to and has learned to excel in. The fact remained, he was by far the best player in town at one point.

However, as seasons passed, so has his life unfolded. The pursuit of education has now become the centripetal force in his life and only time and again would he succumb to infatuations. Education has taken him abroad this time to the Land of Azewen where he studied to be a healer at the capital city of Kitama. He has since matured to more rational person in spite of his occasional disinhibitions. In the small town that he had inhabited, rumors spread rampantly like wildfire, and he knew if he were to be caught in one, he would be charred alive. As such, he kept to himself most of the time and slowly his repertoire and social circle developed. It was perhaps the change of climate that has affected him, but it seems that flings and meaningless relationships were no longer his cup of tea. Instead, he was looking for something steadfast, something real for a change. He was indeed a changed man. In the quest of finding it, he stumbled upon what soon became the epicenter of his life. As Giacomo Casanova met and fell for his Francesca Bruni, so did Damus. Hazel Aqua Zyrinna was her name........to be continued

Insight to a life of a housemen

My brief stint at the Kuala Lumpur General Hospital has given me a lasting impression as to how the government healthcare system works in Malaysia. I was attached to the general medical wards for 4 weeks. There, I had a taste into how life is like as a junior medical officer. If ever asked to describe their working environment in a word, it would have definitely been ‘exhausting’. Imagine waking up at 5.45am, and then consequently be present at the wards by 6.00am, then, meticulously going through all the work-up of your patients in the cubicle of the wards by yourself including finding the blood results from a pile of papers stacked up in the ‘blood results tray’ until around 6.45am. After all these are done, you will then have to present your findings and proposed management plans to the medical officers or your specialists (depending on who is there earlier), and go through the whole patient list again. Right through the ward rounds, depending on their mood, you will either get a pat on your back for a job well-done (a rare sight), or risk having public humiliation; i.e., scolding in front of all your patients and fellow healthcare professionals. At times, the specialists even threaten to extend their postings for an indeterminate period of time. Every so often, you could even discern remorsefulness from the patients towards the junior doctors.

Trust me, the day does not end there just yet, in fact it has only begun. Following all that, you spend the whole day drawing bloods from the patients, arranging review appointments with other departments for second opinions, going for second (or third) ward rounds with your beloved superiors, and finishing up discharge summaries, manually; all while religiously wearing a white coat and neck tie under the blazing tropical heat. After all that is done, you’d be lucky to go back at 5.00pm. Even if you do, you would still be stuck in the ever congested Malaysian traffic. By the time you do get back home, the only sane thing left to do is sleep. Your mind and body is just too exhausted to do anything else, especially knowing that you have to go through the same torturous road again the dreadful minute your alarm clock rings. Even dinner is optional. It makes me ponder; perhaps even the military training has some tolerable degree of leniency and laxity compared to this industry. I guess the Malaysian government health system was set up with one primary aim; to outwork the poor souls of the junior doctors. If truth be told, I think a considerable amount of them would have opted out; had they known how much work and public humiliation they had to put up with as junior doctors. I suppose you don’t know how deep the water is until you start swimming in it. I cannot help but feel sorry for these junior professionals.

Judging from the personal experiences I have witnessed so far, I can safely express the hostile learning environment in the hospital. I dare not over-generalize in this context as I do not know what it’s like being in other hospitals in Malaysia. In this particular hospital however, the specialists expect their juniors to learn, but they never pave any room for mistakes. To err is human some might say; but not for us health professionals. To them, it seems, the juniors have to get it right even at their first attempt. It is a good practice to implement, as patient lives are at risk when errors are made, but how can one truly learn without making any mistakes? It is such an idealistic perception. From what I can discern from all the castigation I have witnessed, it seems that every mistake; whether major or minor deserves an outright public humiliation. Constructive criticism and mutual respect is somewhat non-existent in their living dictionary.

With regards to the infrastructure as well as the design of the medical ward, I personally believe that they are not exposed to the layout of a modern hospital. I may not have the right credentials to comment on the architectural aspect of the ward per se, but it does not take a genius to figure out that patients who are under anti-tuberculosis medications as well as those with chicken pox should be placed in an isolated ward to prevent spread to others. It is alarming to note that these patients who are clustered into one cubicle are just physically separated from other patients by a half-length wall that stretches vertically to 1 meter high. Imagine the state of nosocomial infections arising from these hospitals! There is an obvious state of over-crowdedness with roughly 10-12 patients being located in the same cubicle together. With 6 cubicles per ward, you can estimate the number of patients being from as little as 60 to as many as 72. There is hardly enough space for the medical team to fit in between the beds let alone the visiting family members.

However, despite all the negativity, cynicism and pessimism one can extract out of what is said so far, there are a number of glittering goodness in the public health system. Firstly, the patients are given unprecedented treatment by the medical teams caring for them. Despite the endless stream of work to be done by the professionals, patients’ needs and complaints are always heard. There is no preferential treatment whether you are placed in the 3^rd class or 1^st class wards. The doctors will spend the appropriate amount of time with you and will make sure that you understand the management plan regardless of which ward you are placed in. In some cases, even phone calls are made to family members to set up a family meeting to discuss the progress as well as the future management plans of a particular patient. In terms of best evidence medicine, they are also not trailing far behind 1^st world countries. Many of the pharmacological interventions are in line with the latest guidelines as published in distinguished medical journals. Even the imaging technology is at par with most Western countries, but there is an obvious gap in terms of resources. They for one do not routinely screen patients using CT scans as what is practiced in the U.S.A for example. CT scan is just reserved for those who they think might benefit from its use. This hospital even has its own centre for continuous medical education; and holds medical conferences and seminars almost on a daily basis. With regards to the scolding, I suppose the specialist acted the way did towards the junior doctors because they were duty bound to train their apprentices so that they would match; if not, supersede their level of expertise in the years to come. Perhaps this is just an act to toughen them up in order to prepare them for the ups and downs in their upcoming medical careers.

on gibberism and self-actualization; a true story

There are thousands, if not, more ways to launch your blogging endeavor. Some choose to talk about themselves, some gossip around, some talk about fashion, while others take on a more serious approach and talk about things like politics (like there is nothing else in the world to talk about). I, on the other hand, am completely clueless as to what i should write about. The thought of having my own blog appealed to me after seeing countless of my peers tirelessly and religiously use every spare time they have to update their blog. It's almost an extension of their life, much like a commitment to a relationship, almost like having a girlfriend or a boyfriend. So, I ask myself, what's this hype all about? What's so great about blogging? After many sleepless nights spent pondering upon this very question (a mere exageration), I finally stumbled upon the answer. It was like an epiphany, a revelation, a divine intervention sent down by the One-And-Only. The answer was simple but yet it struck me to the core. Human beings are an extremely inquisitive and curious species. We thrive on stories, opinions and gossips to keep us alive. I mean frankly speaking, who needs a balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle rite? =P all those apparent necessities take second precedence over the above-mentioned 'brain nutrition'. Hence, after the nirvana-like state that I went through, I felt that I am duty-bound to share my everyday thoughts, fictional and non-fictional stories, as well as occasional gossips just to spice things up! So everyone, buckle up and be ready for my ramblings in the days to come!!